


The Straw Hearts Put on a Play?

by alfing



Category: One Piece
Genre: Acting, Attempt at Humor, Chaos, Crack, Everyone Can't Act, F/M, Fluff, Hints of ZoSan and FroBin, Lots of Angry Law, M/M, References to Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 11:25:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alfing/pseuds/alfing
Summary: "Romeo and Juliet" gone wrong thanks to One Piece, yeah?





	

The curtain is drawn about the stage. The lights are dimmed and the orchestra quiets. In the darkness, a chorus is heard.

_Two households both alike in dignity,_

_In fair Verona where we lay our scene,_

_From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,_

_Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean._

_From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,_

_A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life;_

_Whose misadventured piteous overthrows_

_Doth with their death, bury their parents’ strife._

_The fearful passage of their death-mark’d love_

_And the continuance of their parents’ rage,_

_Which, but their children’s end, naught could remove,_

_Is now the two hours’ traffic of our stage;_

_The which if you with patient ears attend,_

_What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend._

And then all is quiet. The curtain is open and the stage is set.

 

5 DAYS AGO

 

The Thousand Sunny had docked at an island, in desperate need of supplies. Beside them, the Polar Tang floated, the submarine’s crew in high spirits. The two pirate crews had joined each other in their hunt for supplies but were surprised to find the state of the island. Most of the civilians were dressed up in strange costumes, others seemed to be reciting lines. The people were theatre fanatics, their mind, body, and soul dedicated to performing on stage. It was because of this that the Straw Hats and Heart Pirates were caught in their preparation for their latest recital.

The king of this island (which was known to be the Drama Kingdom) had approached them enthusiastically. King Speare was the director of all of the island’s productions and was simply ecstatic to find potential actors for their next production, _Romeo and Juliet_. At first the pirates had opposed, but they were unable to refuse as the king had already concluded that they would participate. “You’re pirates whose bounties are over 1 billion beries in total! I’m sure you’ll give us a 1 billion beri performance!” he had said. Immediately, the crews were rushed backstage and assigned their roles.

“Wait, don’t we have to audition for our parts?” Nami thought to ask, skeptical about this whole arrangement. “You don’t even know if we can act.”

King Speare merely chuckled. “Oh no, I have a _vision_ and you all fit each character _exquisitely_!” he assumed and wandered off elsewhere to check on the rest of the preparations.

Each person looked at their scripts, their characters highlighted for them in bright pink marker. There was no escape.

 

PRESENT

 

The stage was decorated to match the setting of a marketplace. Two actors from the island emerged from behind the curtain as Sampson and Gregory. From the other side of the stage, two more actors appeared as Abram and a servingman. “Sampson” bites his thumb at “Abram”. This leads to an argument between the characters and soon Zoro comes out hesitantly, his three swords at his side. He draws _Shusui_ and uses it to separate the arguing actors. “Oi, cut it out. You’re being foolish,” he said. Although it wasn’t his line, it fit well enough, so the play continued.

From the right of the stage, Usopp came forth, brandishing his own sword. He sauntered up to Zoro with a dramatic flare. “‘What art thou drawn among these heartless hinds? Turn thee, Benvolio; look upon thy death,’” the long-nosed man recited ostentatiously.

Zoro’s eye twitched and he drew all three of his swords. “I don’t know what you just said, but are you picking a fight with me, Usopp? I’ll cut you to pieces!” Usopp screeched and threw his fake sword at the green haired man before running around the stage. Zoro chased him angrily, causing the actors to panic. In order to save the play, the four of them began to engage in a swordfight like their scripts had said to do.

It had only just started, but this performance was already a disaster.

From the left of the stage came Brook and Shachi. “ _Yohohoho_ ! Perhaps you could bring me my sword, Shachi- _san_ ,” said the skeleton. Shachi hadn’t listened and was instead regarding his costume with disgust. “Why do _I_ have to be the mom? This damages my pride as a man...”

From the right of the stage came Franky and Robin, the two dancing into view. “ _Ow_ ! It’s the Capulet’s, _yeah_ ! What a _superrrr_ chance for a battle!” the cyborg sang, swinging his large arms over his head. Robin twirled around the other, mimicking his dances. “‘Thou shalt not stir one foot to seek a foe,’” she mused. The two began to waltz around the stage. It would seem that they had mistaken the play for a musical.

Jean Bart entered the stage with a trail of other actors. The giant man cleared his throat as he prepared to recite his long speech. It had taken him all of those five days to memorize it and he was more than ready to speak his line. Taking a deep breath, he began. “‘Rebellious subjects, enemies to p-’”

“And then the magnificent Captain Tybalt springs into action!” Usopp interrupts, successfully dodging all of Zoro’s attacks. “He defeats Benvolio with a single blow!” The two run off the stage and soon Brook and Shachi follow, the skeleton trying to restore Shachi’s pride. The only ones left were Jean Bart, Franky, Robin, and the rest of the island actors. All but Franky and Robin left resignedly.

After a moment, Zoro returned to stage. Franky cleared his throat. “So, Benvolio, who started the fight?” he asked. The swordsman sheathed his swords, shrugging. “I don’t know. I was too busy trying to cut that long-nose to pieces.”

“Have you seen Romeo? I’m glad that he wasn’t caught in the fray,” Robin inquired, not singing this time. Zoro picked at his ear as he contemplated the question. “Romeo? Last I saw him he was eating all the food at the buffet table,” he answered casually. Franky and Robin laughed. “That sounds about right,” the cyborg agreed. Zoro pointed off stage. “Look, he’s coming.”

Franky and Robin exit to the left as Luffy swings towards Zoro. “Oi, Romeo, stop swinging around,” the swordsman scolded. The straw hat bearing pirate calmed himself and stood patiently in front of his crewmate. “Hey, Benny! How goes it!” Zoro sighs. “Aren’t you supposed to be heartbroken or something? Idiot,” he whispered. It was almost as though a light bulb was lit over Luffy’s head. “Oh right!” he attempted to look depressed. “Benny, I’m very heartbroken... I ate the last steak and now there’s no more meat at the buffet table...”

As I had mentioned before, this play was a disaster.

 

4 DAYS AGO

 

It was their second day in the Drama Kingdom and they hadn’t memorized all of their lines yet. Most of the Straw Hats opted to skip out on practicing and explore the island. Nami and Usopp were both very determined to get their lines right while Robin would occasionally participate in reading over her lines with Law. Although many of them weren’t practicing, Franky would help design and build the set and props while Sanji helped prepare the backstage meals that the crew would eat during breaks.

King Speare had high hopes for them at this time. Things were going well. It didn’t matter if some of them weren’t as committed as the others, he was sure they’d come through in the end. He had little doubt about his casting choices. He had a good feeling that this play was going to be a success.

 

PRESENT

 

It had been thirty minutes since the play had begun and “Romeo” and “Benvolio” had just found out about the Capulet’s ball. The scene had then changed to a conversation between our dear “Juliet”, her mother and her nurse. Shachi, Nami, and Law were on the stage. Shachi, who had been embarrassed about being dressed as a woman, seemed a little more at ease now that Law was also there.

“Juliet, my daughter, how do you feel about marriage?” Shachi said, remembering the meaning of his line but not the actual words themselves.

There was a brief pause before anyone answered. “‘It is an honor that I dream not of,’” Law grit out, glaring at the floor. Nami suppressed a laugh, still unused to the fact that their ally was casted as Juliet.

“Well... uh... this guy named Paris wants to marry you so you gotta suck it up and do it,” Shachi concluded.

“‘A man, young lady—lady, such a man as all the world—why, he’s a man of wax,’” Nami recited perfectly.

Shachi thought long and hard about his next line. “Er... yeah, he’s a total pansy*,” he said. Law sighed and picked up his skirt stomping across the stage. “This is stupid, go to the next scene already,” he grumbled as he marched out of sight. Nami and Shachi quickly followed him, the former irritated by their ally’s behavior.

The curtain closed and then opened again as the setting changed. Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, and a few other actors enter the stage, wearing masks and jumping about excitedly. “A ball, a ball, we’re going to a ball!” Luffy sang. “Oi, Benny, is there going to be a lot of food?”

“How am I supposed to know? I’ve never been to one,” the green haired swordsman grouched. Sanji followed behind him, eyes glued to a sheet of paper in his hand. “‘N-nay, g-gentle R-romeo... dancing... er... love... c-cupid,” he stuttered, his nervousness almost palpable. Zoro turned to the cook. “Oi, cat got your tongue?” he smirked. “Or perhaps you’ve got a mouthful of-” A hard kick to the face cut him off. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence, you perverted moss head!” he exclaimed, blushing bright red. Luffy laughed loudly at his friends’ antics before remembering they were supposed to be acting.

Brook appeared on the stage, pretending to allow guests to enter the ball. When Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji passed he merely welcomed them, not realizing who they really were. The scene shifts and the stage becomes the ball. Usopp, Law, Shachi, Nami, and other actors crowd the stage. The spotlight shines on only Law and Luffy. And Luffy, at the sight of seeing Law in a dress, laughs hysterically. Law tries his best to ignore the loud laughter for the sake of the play as Nami had yelled at him loudly earlier for storming out in the middle of their scene. Eventually, Luffy calms down and actually attempts to remember part of his line. He turns to the servingman beside him. “Hey, who’s that— _pfft_ —pretty lady over there?” he says. The servingman shakes his head. “‘I know not, sir.’”

The lights return to normal as Usopp assumes his role as Tybalt. “‘This, by his voice, should be a Montague. —Fetch me my rapier, boy. What, dares the slave-”

“ _Yohohohoho_ ! Let’s play some music to lighten the mood!” Brook mused as he busted out his violin. “This song is bound to give you goosebumps! Ah, but I’m a skeleton, so I don’t have any skin! _Yohohoho_!”

Luffy swings all the way towards Law and tackles him. “Hey, _Torao_ , isn’t this the part where we’re supposed to kiss?” he giggles.

“ _Mugiwara_ -ya, we have a couple of lines before we-” the surgeon was interrupted by Luffy’s lips colliding with his.

In the background was an incredulous polar bear.

 

3 DAYS AGO

 

Their costumes were being prepared and the two crews would have times when they would be fitted for their outfits. Law was definitely not pleased when he saw the gown he was to wear. “Why do I have to wear a dress?” he questioned, frowning at the garment.

“Juliet is a very beautiful girl, so she has to wear the most beautiful clothes. Since you are our Juliet, you have to wear this ball gown. It suits your character perfectly,” King Speare explained cheerily. “Oh, and since you’re playing a woman, we’ll have to shave your goatee!”

If anyone asks why the King’s head was attached to the ceiling, it wasn’t Law.

 

PRESENT

 

An hour into the play and they had transitioned into the famous “balcony scene”. Law stood above Luffy as the latter looked up at him. With a defeated sigh, Law began his speech. “‘O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?’” he deadpanned. Luffy made a confused noise. “Eh? I’m right here, _Torao_!” he exclaimed.

Law facepalmed. “ _Mugiwara_ -ya, ‘wherefore’ means ‘why’,” he explained in annoyance. “I’m asking why are you called Romeo.”

Luffy was confused still. “Isn’t Romeo my name? I’m supposed to be called Romeo, right?” he asked. Law’s irritation increased. “Oh, right, isn’t this the scene where I propose to you?” Luffy bounced up to him and held his hand. “ _Shishishi_! Let’s get married,” he declared.

And even though this was just part of the play, Law couldn’t help but blush at the sincerity of his words. “Whatever, do what you want,” he mumbled, hiding his face with his free hand.

“‘Juliet! O Juliet!’” called Nami from offstage. Law forces Luffy to release his hand and pushes him away. “‘A thousand times good night,’” he says, even if he knew it wasn’t the correct line to end on. Luffy blows him a playful kiss before skipping away.

Much later into the performance, we skip to the wedding. Law was escorted to the chapel by Nami, Luffy waiting inside with Chopper. “Ah, here comes Tor-I mean, Juliet,” the reindeer doctor said, not quite remembering his lines. Law and Luffy join hands and stand before Chopper. “Er... oh! Follow me, we’ll hold the ceremony in here,” he explained, leading the pair offstage.

Things appeared to be getting better.

 

2 DAYS AGO

 

They were doing their first dress rehearsal. Bepo was dressed in noble attire as the role of “Paris”. Law was dressed as “Juliet” and Brook and Shachi as the Lord and Lady Capulet. “Don’t worry, captain, I promise I won’t let anyone outside of the alliance know you had dressed as a woman,” the polar bear assured, only succeeding in annoying the surgeon.

King Speare was in the audience and clapped to get their attention. “Let’s start the scene off with Paris’s first line, shall we?” he called to them. “Aaaaaand, action!”

Bepo began to speak but suddenly tripped over a loose floor board and fell onto his captain, causing Law to fall over with an angry grunt. “Waaah! I’m sorry, captain!” he cried. From the audience, the king sighed and shook his head in dismay. “We’ll take it from the top.”

It was in that moment that King Speare began to lose hope.

 

PRESENT

 

Zoro and Sanji were now on the stage along with Usopp and Luffy. Sanji had declared a duel to the death against Usopp. “‘C-come, s-s-sir, your _passado_ ,’’ the cook stammered as he read from his paper again, loosely wielding his sword. Usopp noticed that Sanji was still distracted by his lines and used this as an opportunity to poke him in the chest with the tip of his sword. There was a moment’s delay before Sanji realized he was supposed to be dead and dramatically, he fell to the ground.

Beside him, Luffy picked his nose. “Ah, he’s dead,” he noticed, flicking his booger into the audience. Usopp sneaked towards Luffy. “ _Pssst_ , you’re supposed to fight me now,” he whispered. The straw hat wearing pirate scratched his head. “Oh, right,” he said before punching Usopp and sending him flying. “Like that?”

A series of facepalms could be heard throughout the theater.

 

10 HOURS AGO

 

King Speare was in his office, face planted to his desk. He now knew that this play was going to be a disaster. These pirates had no talent _at all_ . But he had no time to find replacements, the opening night was... _tonight_. This play was going to bring great shame to his family. Unfortunately, there was no going back now.

King Speare put on his “war face” and exited his office. It was time to prepare for the show one last time.

 

PRESENT

 

We have now reached the finale of the play. Romeo has received the poison from the Apothecary and rushed to his beloved Juliet’s tomb. He reaches her but is interrupted by the late entrance of Paris. “‘Stop thy unhallowed toil, vile Montague,’” Bepo recites. Luffy turns to the polar bear and interrupts his dialogue. “Hey, I don’t get it, why do I have to die?” he complained.

Law, who had been feigning unconsciousness in the tomb, now peaked over at his ally. “ _Mugiwara_ -ya, just go on with the play,” he whispered. Luffy pouted. “But I don’t wanna! It doesn’t make sense for me to die! If Romeo just wants to be with Juliet, doesn’t he just have to beat up this Paris guy so he can get what he wants?” The straw hat wearing pirate approached Bepo and handed him the poison. “Here, you drink the poison while I live happily ever after with _Torao_ !” Luffy lifted Law out of the tomb and ran off stage. Loud shouts of “ _Mugiwara_ -ya! Put me down!” and “ _Shishishi_!” faded into the distance.

The curtain closed on Bepo’s surprised face and silence rang throughout the theater. The audience hesitantly began to applaud. From backstage, the two crews followed their captains out of the building, leaving the island natives astounded. King Speare decided that he would no longer welcome pirates into his kingdom.

**Author's Note:**

> * Lady Capulet calls Paris a "flower" but Shachi messed up his line and called him a "pansy" instead which is an offensive term for a homosexual man.


End file.
